Level 1. Your session is written up in the "society pages" of the next available issue of The Star Tribune
with a full photo spread and interview.
Your 12 nearest living relatives must sign notarized permission slips in order for you to participate in the session.
You agree to submit to a polygraph test to verify your responses provided to my "Preliminary Questionnaire" located
elsewhere on this website. If a professionally trained and certified polygraph examiner is not available to administer
your test, I may - at my discretion - opt to wave a quartz crystal pendulum over your questionnaire responses in order to
verify their accuracy.
Level 10. When greeted at the door, you and I are both provided with brown paper grocery bags which are then placed
over our heads and which are kept in place throughout the entire session.
No names are exchanged and we are each addressed simply as "hey you". All non-essential verbal communication will
be via a series of indistinguishable grunts and simple nods of the head.
If I offer you a bottle of spring water to drink during your session, you are also provided a pair of rubber gloves to
wear while handling the bottle to prevent you from leaving behind any fingerprints.
All linens used during your session are immediately incinerated at the conclusion of your session to prevent the record
of any traces of your DNA.
Payment for your session is made in small, unmarked bills of varying denominations with no record made of serial numbers.
NOTE: If you are concerned about the paper bag disturbing your hairstyle, it can be placed on your
head with the opening at the top