Christmas humor
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Centipede
Centipede who?
Centipede on the Christmas tree
Knock knock
Who's there?
Rabbit
Rabbit who?
Rabbit up carefully – it's a Christmas present
Knock
Knock
Who's there?
Wayne
Wayne who?
Wayne in a manger –
no room for a bed
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Anna
Anna who?
Anna partridge in a pear tree
Knock knock
Who's there?
Oakham
Oakham who?
Oakham all ye faithful
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It's Christmas, Eve
My sons asked for a strange Christmas
present this year. But it's really cheap so I don't mind.
I'm not sure why he wants an eggs box though.
Why is Christmas
just like your job?
You do all the work and
the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
Tinselitis
Why was Santa's little
helper depressed?
Because he had low elf esteem.
What is red, white and blue?
A
sad candy cane
What do the elves cook with in the kitchen?
Utinsels
What do you call a broke Santa?
Saint NICKLE-LESS
Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce?
He thought his wife was a flake
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him
for Christmas?
He felt his presents
What do you call an elf who sings?
A wrapper
Why shouldn't you mess with Santa?
Because he has a black belt
What is a newborn
mother's favorite song?
Silent night
What is the difference between a Christmas alphabet and an ordinary alphabet?
The Christmas alphabet has Noel
Name a child's
favorite king
A stocking
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Claustrophobic
What does Santa bring naughty boys and girls on Christmas
Eve?
A pack of batteries with a note: “Toy
not included”
What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus
What
has 38 legs, 10 heads and 2 arms?
Santa and
his reindeer
What do you call an obnoxious reindeer?
RUDE-olph
How does Santa get his reindeer to fly?
He gives them Red Bull because it gives you wiiings
What do you call Santa living at the South Pole?
A lost Clause
What part of the body do you only see during Christmas
time?
The mistletoe
Christmas – the only time of year you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks
What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate clauses
Why is it always cold at Christmas time?
Because it is Decemburrrrr
What is a popular
Christmas carol in the desert?
Camel ye faithful
Why did the Grinch go to the liquor store?
He was looking for the holiday spirit
From whom do elephants get their Christmas
presents?
Elephanta Claus
Three men die and go to Heaven. They are met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter.
Saint Peter says to them, “I will let you into Heaven if you can show me something
the represents the spirit of Christmas.”
The
first man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a leaf. He says,”this represents a Christmas tree.” He is let
in.
The second man reaches pulls out some keys
and jingles them. He said, “these represent bells.” He is also let in.
The third man pulls out a pair of women's panties. Saint Peter asks, “What do THOSE represent?”
The man replies, “well these were Carol's.” Saint Peter faints.
How does a Spanish
dog say, “Merry Christmas?”
“Feliz-navi-dog”
How does the dog's owner say, “Merry Christmas?”
“Fleas on my dog”
What
is it you can give at Christmas and still keep?
Herpes
Why is Christmas the cheesiest holiday?
It celebrates the birth of Baby Cheeses
Who gives sharks presents on Christmas?
Santa Jaws
A family is having
dinner at the table one evening when the young son asks his father, “Dad, how many types of boobs are there?”
The father is a little taken aback but he ponders a moment before answering.
“Well my son, a woman goes through three phases in life. In her 20s, her breasts are like melons,
round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging at bit. But after 50, they become like
onions.”
“Why like onions?”
asked the son.
The father responded, “Because
when you look at them, they make you cry.”
The wife and daughter are not amused by
what the father had said, so the daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of penises are there?”
The mother says, “Well honey a man also goes through phases
in life. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty, strong and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it becomes more like a
birch, flexible but reliable. But after 50, it's like a Christmas tree.”
“A Christmas tree?” asks the daughter.
“Yes, dear. Then it is dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
